Not Wanting to Go Home

Several months have gone by and the feelings really haven’t changed much for each of us. Trey and Olivia miss home, with friends and family being the ultimate allure. I, on the other hand, have wavered back and forth for months, not really having a grip on my emotions. One side of me misses a great many things about home (Family, friends and sports being the main things) while the other side is so in love with Italian life that I can’t imagine going back to my old lifestyle of inactivity, bad food and fast pace. I have maintained for many months now that we MUST go back to Los Angeles for many reasons, one of which is to better understand how we will adjust to being in America again and whether we will truly miss Italy as much as we think that we will. One of the challenges that I think we need to explore is how to create an Italian lifestyle in America, something that will be most difficult as the two cultures are opposite in so many ways and the area that we live in is quite sterile and cultureless (Boring would be a more direct word). I certainly find there to be many efficiencies at home that I miss, but am not sure that I value them more than the relaxed way of life here in Italy. In fact, after a while you realize that efficiency is not all that important in the grand scheme and can even create an impatience that’s unhealthy! I guess in the end, I’m 50/50 on the subject but for reasons that extend past my personal desires (Which would be to stay for another year). The additional reasons have to do with commitments that we have made.

Anna is a very different story. The first time we had the conversation was in the fall. She was quite simply in love with everything that is Italy. When I say everything, I truly mean everything, including all of its quirks and inefficiencies which she finds to be nothing short of charming. Love is not too strong of a word either as her thoughts and emotions are truly that of a love affair that she has with this place. She is so happy here. I have never seen her smile so much. She is head over heels.

As time has gone by, the feelings for her have not changed, but rather deepened, resulting in several teary eyed moments when having to give consideration to our departure. This is certainly not to say that Anna doesn’t miss her family and friends, it’s just that she really doesn’t miss anything else and the ledger is so titled for her in favor of staying that it become a very difficult discussion for us.

Additionally, time has proven to create some pretty strong friendships. On the night of Anna’s birthday, I was walking in the light rain at about midnight, having just said goodbye to everyone and needing to retrieve the car to pick up Anna and the kids. My eyes started to well up as I began to think about saying goodbye to the people that have helped make this the best year of our lives.

To better understand how we feel, think about one of those REALLY good days in your life (Perhaps it was a day with your family or a day on vacation). You said to yourself or even your spouse or friend “Today was just a perfect day”. The feelings you had were of effortless relaxation and enjoyment. Everything seemed just right.

We seem to have about six of those days a week here. This is what makes it so tough. There are many days when we feel that life can not be better. It’s a feeling of contentment that you don’t often find in life.

We have examined the possibility of living here six months out of the year (Something that all four of us agreed would be a terrific happy medium) but it simply won’t work with the kid’s school situation. Another topic that Anna and I have discussed with Trey and Olivia is that of living here during the school year and coming home to California for the summer and holiday breaks, something that Trey was not willing to concede on! It’s not that either of them dislikes Italy, in fact Anna and I are certain that they will miss Italy very much when they get home. What they miss about home is the ability to jump on their bike and ride to their friend’s house. They miss their swimming pool in the back yard. They miss their animals. In the end, they have never let go or forgotten about California because the agreement was always that it was just for one year. There has never been any permanence about being here.

The kids have never done better in school and Trey especially, is flourishing in the more nurturing educational environment of ISF. Additionally the slow pace of life here is much more conducive to raising a family. There are so many pros and cons for all of us.

Anna and I have discussed the issue of having a second home here and coming back a couple of times a year. It’s not the same thing as living here and being immersed in this different way of life. It would be a major undertaking traveling back and forth so frequently and getting adjusted to the time difference.

In the end the biggest key to our decision to return home is our promise to our children and parents. We made a commitment to them that we would live here for one year. Anna and I simply don’t want the kids to lack value in our word. If the feelings were unanimous the decision would be a bit easier. But they are not. Many adults have asked us (Including some of our closest friends and relatives in the United States) why we would allow our children’s opinions at such a young age to influence ours. “They are young, only you know what is best for them” we’ve been told. To us, the answer is simple. We made a promise to them and don’t want to break it.

The argument has also been made by others that the first step to happy children is happy parents and if staying is what will make Anna and I happy, then this should precede all other considerations.

I guess for me, I’m not so convinced that I have all the information. The fact is that I don’t have to work here. What would life be like in Italy if I did? What will life be like in California if I continue to take time off and spend it with the family? Will we love it as much as we do here? Will we love it more? Does the honeymoon in Italia come to an end at some point and would we regret staying past the peak of our enjoyment here?

These are of course difficult questions to answer and some answers we will never have. There are certainly many other examples of families feeling this way. We’ve heard many stories of Americans who come here for a year or two and never return for the same reasons. The Tyron’s are even starting to go through their “Italy Withdrawals” being faced with less than 90 days remaining on their adventure. They have even looked into possibly staying through the summer if not another semester of school.

Its funny, Anna and I are finding that we are having to rely upon the advice that we gave to Trey and Olivia eight months ago when they were so resistant to leaving for Italy. Trey viewed our one year adventure as a “No Win” proposition. “We will either hate it there or like it there. If we like it there then we will hate leaving” was his rationale. “So what’s the point in going in the first place to only be disappointed either way?” Sometimes kids are pretty damn smart :>)

We explained to him that life is about the adventure and creating moments, and that even if we loved it and were sad to return, that the memories and friendships were something that we would never want to trade for anything in the world. So the question begs as we begin to consider that fateful day when we have to say goodbye to this fairytale, “Would it have been better to not have experienced it at all? Is the pain worth it?”

You bet it is and I would never trade it for anything in the world. It’s too easy to live in the shell that is the life that you know and never experience the beauty of the world’s variety. We had very high expectations for our year long adventure and they have been exceeded in every way.

Anna keeps telling me, that she knows in her heart that we have unfinished business here and that one way or another we will be back. Maybe it will be after the kids leave home and maybe it will be sooner.

Only time will tell…